Spring Awakening

There is a vintage postcard I like, one I've intended to frame since I first laid eyes upon it, that says, "In the spring, we are getting busy in the garden." This is exactly what M and I did today, without the dirty subtlety that makes me giggle. After we discovered that the cherry tree that grew beside the patio was diseased - when M leaned against it and heard the sickening crack of roots breaking - we visited the greenhouse and bought a Royal Raindrops crabapple. We likely won't ever see the tree at its loveliest, the shadow cast like a projection, weak and fine as a skeletal leaf. In uprooting what was old and rotted we found granite boulders and bulbs buried too shallow last autumn, ugly as old onions rolled into the depths of the pantry, like bald heads or shaved testicles. M was digging. I was pruning. The irony that I must cut into live wood to know if it is live, to recognize in the minty stripe of health another season survived, or read in the rings of dry wood a finite promise that doesn't seem to me to belong to any tree. I've always imagined them like turtles. They'll live forever, or at least, certainly longer than me.

I was uncomfortable by how much I had to uproot and cut away. I did not like to mulch too much and make it seem like a human has been here.

But this summer I will imagine myself barefoot on a carpet of sweet woodruff that will, I hope, spread beyond my control. Poisonous or not I will fancy the blooms of my Camelot Rose foxglove little horns to trumpet or faerie cups or hats. I will lay down little stones for feet or fingers far more delicate and more green than mine to pass between the Lobelia and Coral Bells.

Perhaps a child, though not mine. Our business in the garden had to do with other kinds of dirt.

Carry All

It's spring, and because I'm a girl and an American - sadly not, despite much wishing on the part of my nine-year-old self, an American Girl - this means two things. One, I will ignore the mismatched bikini tops and bottoms that have already gone on sale at Target because they've been out since February; and two, I will move all of the necessaries from my little winter clutch into a big, cross-body boho bag for all of the adventures I imagine I can have out of doors, in coffee shops and bookstores and cafés. I feel entirely ridiculous when I claim that carrying a new purse has an inane power to make me feel more powerful, but it's true. The thirty-seven bobby pins that rattled about in the bottom of the old one are returned to the ceramic bowl in the bathroom, where they'll take the next few months to distribute themselves as I take my hair down and put it haphazardly up; my keys and cell phone and iPod and laptop mouse find pockets all, and the promise of ease of use (it won't take but a week for everything to end up in a jumble-fuck at the bottom of the bag). I don't have to choose between my Kindle or my journal or my Netbook. This bag is a productivity love fest. I feel like I can go and do and be for as long as I don't realize I'm lugging eight pounds over one shoulder.

When that happens in July I'll just dump it out and start over again. It's really the solution to more than one would think.

Lived in Halves

Husband, while you are away I am doing some of the things you like best. I piled clean laundry on the bed as though I were actually going to fold it before climbing in, but you know me better. Two loads fit just as well in one basket at the foot of the bed, making room for me to lie down on your side, brace my body all around with our pillows.

I am beating a video game you've beaten already. I am starting over again, because I like to play the same life, the same choices, the same sweetness.

The refrigerator I cleaned out of all of the things we made together and didn't finish when you were here. The salad that spoiled despite my intentions to have it every night, my love of what's growing green outside so rarely translating to the choices I make when it comes to filling my plate.

But I haven't been. Filling my plate, I mean. Without you I am making small meals, eating a little when I am home from work, a little more a few hours later. I'm hungry now anticipating a little breakfast when I wake up facing your lamp and your books thumbed before bed, the photograph you keep of me on your bedside table. In the photograph I am nineteen and you've placed a fortune from a fortune cookie inside: You are original and creative. At the time you said it was more appropriate for me than it was for you.

That was nearly ten years ago. What you didn't know then, what I remind you every time that I can now, is that my fortune is you.

Burying Blooms

All of the editing I've undertaken lately means I've been avoiding editing as much as actually editing, which translates into reading a lot about what I ought to be doing as a writer (read: am not doing yet), how brutal the publishing industry is (read: no-fucking-duh) and how I really ought to give up and pour my energy into making babies instead of books. My rising hormone levels and capacity to whine are tempered by the fact that none of this matters. I'm going to write anyway. My degree of comfort with self-promotion, whether or not I believe Jonathan Franzen has anything to say worth hearing, if I'm bound to query away my youth or self-publish, I repeat: I'm going to write anyway. I'm going to wallow in the mud of mixed metaphors and later trim them as savagely as I did my own hair when I was nine-years-old.

I might, as I did then, still apologize to my mother.

Before Twitter and Tumblr and the blogosphere, what did writers do? They wrote. They talked about writing without all of the self-congratulatory bullshit. So I'm gonna write, too.

Greased Lightnin'

My general malaise regarding my CD collection has driven me of late to FM radio, though there are little gems to be had. Namely, the sweet nostalgia that launched me from the confines of my car into the street artist exaggerations of the opening credits of Grease. The movie was a perennial favorite of my childhood and adolescence, though I haven't seen it in years and found the ending bittersweet with every subsequent viewing as a teenager. Sandy and Danny float off in their car, singing and cuddling and sweet, but where are they going? As a child I was content that they were together, mouths busy with kissing and made-up words. At a sober seventeen, I knew they wouldn't be together forever, and even if they were so cursed, they'd just get married, have babies, and argue over who was meant to do the vacuuming. Love wasn't something experienced by my contemporaries, I felt, or worthy of any more of my attention than could be diverted from the truly important things: college, graduate school, and a killer job writing for a magazine. I wasn't picky about where I went to school or which magazine I'd write for, only when all of these things needed to happen, and the answer was Right Away.

Grease was the musical of choice in the spring of my senior year, and for all I was pure as the driving snow in virgin white and carrying a torch for abstinence until marriage, what I wasn't was a soprano, and so I was cast as Rizzo. I wanted the part, and in retrospect, I had more to learn from her than just her lines. I recall blushing at the notion of getting one's kicks while still young enough to get them, but I was in a hurry to grow up for different reasons. I've had the suspicion for years, whatever my degree of emotional stability in high school, that somehow I missed out on something. Probably making mistakes, but what I haven't got now is what I had then: an excuse.

Still, I'd like to think Rizzo ditched Kenickie after she'd had her way with him, invested in reliable birth control, and went to college. Or at least got a killer job in publishing.

Touch-A, Touch-A, Touch Me

There's a scene in Star Trek: First Contact when Jean-Luc Picard puts out his hand and touches Zephram Cochrane's warp ship, explaining to Data that though he had seen it in the Smithsonian, there was something about the sensation of touch that heightened human experience. I don't remember anything in the Prime Directive about paraphrasing Starfleet captains, so if I'm out of bounds, take it up with Roddenberry's ghost. I get that. Feel it even. Whenever there is an opportunity to visit a flea market or an antique mall or a vintage store I take it, because unlike going to the museum, I can put my hands all over everything provided the folks doing the selling don't find my behavior suspicious. Maybe I'm only forging a tactile bond between myself and the nineteen sixties, but it sure as hell beats fondling melamine plates at Target.

Crazy Daisy Pyrex butter dishes will be caressed, novelty salt and pepper shakers and cast iron skillets and oak chairs and Fiestaware pitchers will feel my fingers all. I love the jumble of old perfume and Coke bottles cloudy still with their original contents, long past the time when you'd want to put them on or take them into your body. But I still want to touch, as though they have stories or better, carry somehow the stories of those who have touched them before.

And isn't that what it's about? What's real or isn't real isn't why I'm as greedy as an infant fitting every little bit of the world they can into their mouth - it simply isn't acceptable for me, and I know too much about communicable diseases, or I'd do it, too. It's about making a connection, and on the rare occasion that I bring something home with me, it's maintaining that connection for who comes after.

Laa Laa Nostalgia

"What is this?" My husband and I are hauling Christmas decorations, at long last, into the storage room in the basement. The whole basement may as well be considered storage for as tidy as I keep it, but in this particular space he could be referring to absolutely anything.

"What is what?"

He thrusts forward a Teletubbie, his look incredulous.

"That's Laa Laa," I answer, holding my arms out, into which the yellow critter is deposited. M continues to eye me suspiciously, necessitating further explanation. Namely, that she was a Christmas gift from my mother. When I was in high school.

I haven't grown up any more than I had then, and am overcome with as much desire to squeeze her cute alien brains to bits as I was at sixteen. There's a photograph of me and one of K's cousins on her water bed, Laa Laa between us, each of us with eyes half-lidded not from the dope other girls our age might have been smoking but from the delirium that follows too many cans of Dr. Pepper consumed and the liberating atmosphere of teenage girls in the company of other teenage girls. I'm wearing a scratch-and-sniff Chinese take-out t-shirt from Gadzooks and my hair is a riot of ringlets. I am young and thin and imagine myself someday to be rock star, for all I spent just as much time on that water bed sitting across from K and writing as we did curled on the floor, playing the same songs over and over again on our guitars. Hers was big and blue and beautiful and the name, I feel like, started with a B. Mine is neglected now in our spare room for all I can still play, if poorly, "House of the Rising Sun" or "Wish You Were Here" when asked.

There's a shelf downstairs, too, wide and deep enough for two rows of the journals I kept between the ages of thirteen and eighteen. I don't like to open them, but I made sure to store them high enough that should the basement flood, they'll be the last of things to go.

I brought Laa Laa upstairs and added her to the small collection of toys we keep in the living room for the increasing number of friends and cousins with children. Her laughter was meant for the young.

Fuck Yeah Karma

Stars aligned to prevent me from sewing with K today, several constellations full. I'd loaned my machine to a friend, so I arrived at her house a few minutes earlier than I'd planned to be and rang the doorbell. Twice. No one answered, and neither occupant answered their cell phone, either, so I returned to my car, parked perilously on what always feels like a mountainside instead of a driveway. Playing Bejeweled on my phone entertained me only long enough to imagine my emergency break giving out and my car sliding back into the guard rail and my death, so I called their cell phones again. As it turned out, they'd both been home all along, and had heard neither phones nor doorbell. I choose to believe them when they say they were showering... and not something else.

Machine recovered, I jump on the expressway and proceed to zone out and miss my exit. The following exit boasts a Dunkin' Donuts, and my weakness for an iced latte lite with blueberry, sans splenda, being generally overpowering, I hop off and decide to grab a coffee before turning around.

Only to run into my most excellent grandmother-in-law in the line at the register, who after determining I am not headed to her house, asks in a way that allows only for an affirmative if I'll be sitting down and having coffee with her. So I do, and she's such an absolute gem that I don't mind my morning delayed more even than it already has been. It's only when I leave and hear a dreadful sound that could signify the crumpling of many, many rubber dolls on the road or a very, very flat tire that I must pull over again to discover the latter.  I admitted then and I've got to admit now that I'm one of those people who probably shouldn't be allowed the privilege of things like tires, given I don't know how to change one - frankly, I'd rather take the subway or a hoverboard, but I'm making the best of the Midwest.

Danny the Ameristop rock star changed my tire and I learned more from him than I would ever have had the patience to observe if it had been my husband. Danny reminded me of my brother, all hoodies and tees and patience with strangers. He explained when putting the tire on that I ought to tighten in the pattern of a star to keep the spare from wobbling. I followed his hands blackened from the tire or the tools or both, looking for something else in the pattern. I took the back roads home on my spare, spools of thread and bobbins from my upset sewing machine rolling on the floor beneath the passenger seat. I was wondering and wobbling despite my sturdy wheels,  figuring for all the bad this morning it was good. And fucking strange.

The Key of Hearts

Only a folktale tonight. Charrum was a seeker of treasures, in dungeons and in the deep, though the greatest treasure of his heart was Felea, the daughter of the wealthiest merchant in his village. Her hand in marriage was promised to the man who could deliver to her father the most unique, most priceless, most coveted object in the world. The trouble was that such an artifact could not exist because Felea’s father’s wants changed with the rising and setting of the sun. He did not know what it was he most wanted, and so it did not matter what Felea wanted most, which was to wed Charrum and leave her father’s house forever.

In his twentieth year, Charrum rose to a challenge laid by the local bandit king for a great treasure, perhaps the very greatest of treasures, and one that he felt would surely appease even Felea’s father. To enter the bandit king’s service Charrum had first to pass a test of spirit, and he made his camp that night in a circle of standing stones that were said to be haunted. Charrum laid himself down beneath the stars without a fire, shivering in the cold glare of the night as he waited for whatever was supposed to appear to appear.

As Charrum slept, three ghosts set upon him, pinning his arms and legs to the earth with their rotting limbs. The first ghost pried open his eyes, the second tugged at his ears, and the third caught hold of his tongue.

‘What is like a man but is not a man, has room enough for one but one is sometimes too many, and is desired by men and babes alike?’

The ghost with his hand in Charrum’s mouth only let go long enough for the young man to utter his reply.

‘A woman,’ Charrum said, his tongue released like a clapper in a bell. The ghosts vanished as quickly as they had come, and when Charrum looked about him now he saw not standing stones but many doors, each carved with a sigil. This frightened him no more than the ghosts had, and when he stood to examine them he recognized the symbols for water and blood, earth and flesh, screeching and song.

Drawing his knife, Charrum stalked out of the circle to a nearby wood, and trapped there a small creature foraging. He returned with it to the circle, crooning before the sigil for singing before turning his knife upon the creature. Only when it had cried did he deliver death swiftly, his whispered apology to the animal abrupt and tuneless compared with his song.

Before another sigil he spit, and another he mixed the blood of the creature with his own when he cut into his palm, dripping the mingled blood upon the door that had been a stone. For flesh he bit into his cheek, and put his hands into mud to print on the door of earth.

When Charrum had done all of this all six of the doors opened, each seeming to lead to rooms of greater treasure than the last. He knew even as he looked upon rubies and emeralds, gold and silver, upon a banquet table set with the finest foods, that the bandit king would take only the man who would take for himself what was of greatest value. And so, when faced with unimaginable riches, none of which Charrum felt could be real, Charrum settled himself down again and built a fire, roasting over it the thin carcass of the animal he had killed. He did not even take from one of the rooms a jeweled chalice for water to wash down his sparse meal, but cupped his hands together in a nearby stream.

Because it seemed only natural to do so, Charrum laid down to sleep after his meal. He dreamed and in his dream the bandit king visited him with a fourth and final challenge.

The bandit king was pleased with Charrum’s performance, and he promised him that the treasure would be his. It was, however, currently in the possession of another, and if Charrum wished to claim it, he would have to steal it. Because it was often the way of challenges such as these, Charrum was not surprised to learn that the treasure belonged to Felea’s father. That he should take it only to trade it back again for the hand of his bride was only fitting.

He waited until very late the next night to go to Felea’s father’s house. He was stealthy as the shadows themselves, slipping from garden to cold hearth to halls that were lit well in daylight but were dark as pitch on a cloudless night. Many tools he had to avoid detection: stones that would erupt in smoke if thrown, mirrors to reflect the light away should he be surprised. At every door he paused and pressed a little horn against the wood, listening.

Charrum dispatched several guards in near silence, clapping a hand over a mouth here, a sharp strike to the neck there. His skills were to incapacitate and not to kill, and when he dragged the bodies to deeper shadows, Charrum felt confident that the morning sun would wake them with throbbing heads, bruised egos, and nothing else.

There were traps and snares, too, that he could not have anticipated, set cleverly in the stones of the floor and into the walls. With keen eyes and quick feet, Charrum avoided them all. Because he knew where he would keep so great a treasure if it were his, Charrum stole quietly into Felea’s fathers chambers, grateful for the bear-loud snores of the man to ensure that he slept on while Charrum searched. The bandit king had not even told Charrum what to expect, only that he would know the treasure when he saw it. He picked the locks on several chests before finding the one that he wanted, empty but for a plain, ornate key. Taking it without thinking, for he did indeed know without knowing, Charrum left Felea’s father’s room.

Over confident, Charrum decided to risk looking in upon Felea as she slept. The lock on Felea’s door was no barrier to him, though he was challenged by her curtained bed, for he could make out only a little the figure that slumbered within. With hands more deft even than those that could make a man sleep without killing him, that could bind a woman to him with only a promise, he parted the curtain.

Where there had been no moonlight now moonlight fell upon her cheek, her gold-lashed eyes, lips parted in dreaming. Charrum made to brush his fingers across her cheek, but in that moment shouts were heard, and Charrum knew he had been found out. In the same instant Felea woke and began to shriek, her cries fading to puzzlement when she recognized Charrum. There was no time to explain or to touch, for in an instant there were guards upon him, and Felea’s father himself to confront.

Despite the guards that restrained him, Charrum thrust the key forward. ‘I have stolen this, and you shall not have it back again unless you promise me your daughter.’ Before the guards could act, he put the key in his mouth and swallowed it.

At this, Felea’s father fell to his knees, but it was gratitude that he expressed.

‘You have taken a great burden from me, and for this I will allow you to choose. I think you will find you no longer want my daughter, if indeed you ever did.’

When Charrum swallowed the key, he had relieved Felea’s father of wanting for anything, because the key itself was a thing of want. It drove men and women to desire what they could not have, what could not be, what had never been and would never be. Felea’s father had acquired great riches while driven by the key, but he had never been satisfied. The key was a powerful object, however, and could not be given away, only taken, and now Charrum had taken it.

As the young thief looked from the key to his would-be bride, he was consumed with desire, though not for her. He would have to be a man as wealthy as her father, wealthier, before he could deserve such a woman. In Felea’s room that night he might have joined her in her bed, but now he could only say goodbye. The key had seen into his heart, and showed him for what he was.

They Say She's a Crone

January isn't entirely to blame for the milk-pale light that fills my house, but is responsible for how few hours I can enjoy before darkness falls and all of my motivation with it, limp as a body in sleep. M covered the windows of our most frequented rooms with plastic. I didn't like it a few years ago when he insisted upon it because it was something my father always did to the windows in our trailer, and the door in my bedroom that wasn't really meant to be used. It made me feel like we weren't living in a real place, or a pod. And I liked using the door.

I never sneaked out to meet anyone, but I did leave my room on stormy nights, climb onto the porch and straddle the flag pole like a broomstick. The wind tossed my hair and pajama bottoms like they might that of a witch, or her hair, anyway. No witch worth imagining would wear pajama bottoms.

It's the strangest time of year. I want the sense and clarity of glass but everything is uncertain and all of my planning and dreaming seems to be about what won't happen for months, at least. Winter will get away from me still if I keep on letting my afternoons expire too soon into evenings.